Dear Islam, I Sincerely Apologize

Dear Islam,

I would like to sincerely apologize for stating in the past that the Qur’an might be less harmful if used as toilet paper. I did not intend in any way to imply that the Qur’an should actually be used as toilet paper, although I understand that toilet paper has been used as a Qur’an. It was a tongue-in-cheek suggestion. The intention of my expression was to strip the Qur’an of reverence, as I have attempted to do with the Bible in the past and highlight its more vile, misogynistic, immoral, barbaric and destructive teachings. It seems that this suggestion has offended some of my more zealously “liberal” brothers and sisters, who found my lack of reverence for this religious text blasphemous and uncouth. I now understand why such a suggestion is offensive and unnecessary.

Having now read numerous translations of the Qur’an, copious quantities of hadith, and having meticulously investigated many of the Islamic laws and cases in the purely Islamic country of Saudi Arabia from a non-western point of view, I now see how wrong I was to question the wisdom of this beautiful recitation we call the Qur’an.

In my ignorance I thought it wrong to beat one’s disobedient wife,(1) however I failed to understand that such domestic violence is not only necessary for her own good and protection, but that such a beating is much more tempered and loving than the one delivered to one’s slave-girl. (2) As a result of my darkness of understanding I thought it repulsive for middle-aged men to be encouraged to bed children as young as nine (3) and that if obstinate and stubborn children refuse such paedophilic advances one should employ the divine and lofty wisdom of the one and only true God, and beat such disobedient little girls until they submit. I thought it unfair that sisters inherit only half of that which their brothers inherit, (4) and that a woman/girl should be a virtual slave to her male partner/captor. (5) My strange yet misguided sense of justice perceived it as unfair that the majority of hell’s inhabitants should be women (6) and that due to the imperfection of this profane and unintelligent sex, Allah must construct perfect virgins in heaven for Jihadists to enjoy in pious orgies as a reward for their merciless services toward his merciful ends. (7)

A Jinn, I presume, must have possessed my mind, leading me to see as insane the beheading of an individual in Saudi Arabia, Allah’s earthly Bastille, who in desperation employed superstitious “witchcraft” to reunite his divorced parents, (8) not realizing how truly threatening to Allah (all-powerful and most wise) this black magic really is. I ridiculed Allah, who I now understand has good reason to predetermine who will be a believer and who will not,(9) and to deliberately lead astray into the fiery pits of hell those he doesn’t love. (10) My perversion caused my failure to understand how Allah, the universal and wise father, could utter words to an illiterate and primitive paedophile of the Quraysh tribe in Mecca which made it acceptable to kill those who choose to think and question rather than mindlessly believe and follow. (11) In my utter stupidity I could not fathom for a moment the hypocrisy of an omniscient sky-wizard who encourages, nay decrees, mutilation as a recompense for simple property theft, (12) when he himself built his earthly kingdom on a very violent brand of theft. (13)

I would also like to offer my solemn and sincere apology for having possessed the nerve to question the theocracy of Allah’s greatest and most wonderful kingdom, Saudi Arabia. In my insolence, I believed that a ruler should not govern his people with a barbaric and archaic religious constitution; (14) a compilation of documents written by medieval marauders who were prone to hearing voices in their heads and seeing hallucinations at every turn. I ignorantly questioned the jurisprudence of a society built upon such barbarism and insanity, but, as I now understand, is established on the sturdy foundation of the one and only true religion of Allah.

How blatantly dim-witted was I to think that the Mutaween (religious police) sent by Allah himself to patrol his most holiest of holy lands, were nothing but brutal buffoons, unthinking robots of the powerful Islamic oligarchs, whose only job is the patrolling of streets to ensure the prevention of liberty amongst a people exposed to the sublime inspiration of the Qur’an, yet, who still find themselves cornered and caged by demonic Jinn and wickedness at every turn. These wise and noble Mutaween I now see are essential for the protection of the holy King’s regime, lest it be undermined and the king left embarrassed in front of the unrighteous and profane infidels, who watch on and unjustly scorn, ridicule and mock this great monarch of heaven and earth.

I was outraged by the imprisoning of professor Sa’id Bin Zu’air, who lost his liberty on the trumped-up charge of financially aiding terrorists, when in fact his crime was far worse. (15) If he had have supported those proud and bloody soldiers of Allah, who seek to create a blood-soaked Islamic utopia here on earth with sword, gun and bomb, that would have been a thousand times more acceptable than what this treasonous and venomous hypocrite was attempting. His true crime was vastly more depraved, far more immoral and rancid than the killing of a thousand infants and a million infidels, for he, in his arrogance and ungrateful passion, was attempting to criticise the human rights record of Saudi Arabia and in the process, darken the very name of Allah’s most righteous and beautiful sword, the mighty king of Saudi Arabia.

I now see the light of Allah like a lamp at my feet and will do everything I can to convert the whole world to Islam so that once and for all we may all fear this fictitious creature spawned from the minds of depraved southern Arabian nomads of the 7th century. I solemnly swear that I will do everything in my power to ensure that everyone trembles before his imaginary feet and the feet of his child-marrying, wife-beating, xenophobic, misogynistic, egocentric, hateful and insane earthly representatives. To this end, I offer this sincere apology for insulting the religion of Islam.

Sincerely,

Michael A. Sherlock

 

Sources

1. Qur’an 4:34; Sahih Muslim Book 4: 2127.
2. Sahih Bukhari Volume 8; Book 73. No. 68.
3. Sahih Bukhari, Volume 1. Book 6. No. 304; Sahih Bukhari. Volume 7. Book 67. No. 5196; Sahih Bukhari. Book of Marriage. No. 64, 65, 88.
4. Qur’an – Surah 4:11.
5. Qur’an – AnNisa Surah 4:34; Surah 223; Sahih Muslim Book 4:1982; Sahih Bukhari 7:19; Sahih Muslim Book 8: Marriage; etc..
6. Sahih Bukhari, The book of Belief, Volume 1, Book 2, Number 28; Sahih Bukhari, The book of Eclipses, Volume 2, Book 18, Number 161.
7. Qur’an Surah 37:40-4, 44:51-55, 52:17-20, 55:54-59, 55:70-77, 56:37-40, 78:31-34.
8. http://www.bbc.com/news/world-middle-east-18503550.
9. Qur’an Surah 1:6-7.
10. Qur’an Surah 14:4.
11. Qur’an Surah 2:191-193, 3:56, 4:89, 5:33, 8:12, 8:15, 8:59-60, 9:5 etc…
12. Qur’an Surah 5:38.
13. Karen Armstrong. Islam: A Short History, New York: Random House, Inc., 2002, p.19.
14. http://www.saudiembassy.net/about/country-information/laws/The_Basic_Law_Of_Governance.aspx.
15. http://www.state.gov/j/drl/rls/hrrpt/2010/nea/154472.ht.

• Uncategorized