Tip 1: Don’t Kill Your Children
This may seem like an obvious tip but having read your book from cover to cover, it’s something I think you could work on. The idea is to raise your children, so killing them for disobeying or irritating you is not advisable.
Upon reading your book, which was not a bad effort for a first try, I was a little dismayed by your parenting style. Before highlighting a number of examples for your future contemplation and reflection, I would like to start by addressing the disturbing account you gave of drowning all but a few of your children. Now, before you get your back up and become all defensive, I appreciate that you were disappointed with most of them and I do understand that at times our children possess an uncanny ability to drive us completely insane, but as parents it is our job to love our children unconditionally and raise them to the best of our ability, raise being the operative word. Should they go astray it is up to us to coach, guide and encourage them to rectify their mistakes, and at the end the day, if they have a solid foundation and a positive parental role model or two, chances are they are going to remedy their past errors, errors that we as parents are, to some extent responsible for, but I’ll come back to that. Now, because you are not much of a talker and communication is something I think you could work on, I am forced to draw from your book in order to ascertain your motives and thinking behind these kinds of disturbing behavioural patterns you appear to be exhibiting as a parent. According to your book, you regretted having children, a feeling I am sure many self-absorbed parents share, but when I read your subsequent declaration, I became very disturbed. In your own words:
‘I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them (Gen. 6:7)’.
The reason for this announcement and the later action taken in accordance with it, I found two verses back. Before I highlight that verse, let me balance my criticisms with a little praise. You followed through! This is a very important thing to do when making threats or promises to our children. I do commend you on your commitment, although it may not have been the best declaration to make and it certainly wasn’t the best one to follow through with, speaking as a sane parent who doesn’t employ drowning as a means of punishing my own children. Anyway, the verse in which you provide your reasons for your declaration and consequent filicide reads as follows:
‘There were giants in the earth in those days…’ (Gen. 6:4)
Sorry, my mistake. That’s not the one, but you certainly do have a flare for entertaining fiction. No, it was the next verse:
‘…the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually’. (Gen. 6:5).
I confess to being a little confused by this verse so I would like to seek your clarification – but given that you tend to be entirely unresponsive, I will, as mentioned, seek an explanation from your book. You seem to be only angry at the men. If this is in fact the case, I wonder why you drowned all but a related handful of your daughters. Was this a typo? Did you really mean to say “the wickedness of men and women was great” and possibly, “the thoughts of their hearts were only evil continually?” I am going to assume you meant to include your daughters and chalk this omission up to inexperienced authorship, although there might be the additional issue of misogyny to be addressed here. I shall return to your misogyny a little later on, but I would really like to address the problem of your children’s perceived “wickedness” and see if we cannot work through this problem together. Undesirable behaviour is a problem encountered by most, if not all parents, to varying degrees, and there are number of alternative courses of action you can take other than murdering your children. Allow me to cite a popular parental support website called Empowering Parents, to not only enlighten but also to empathize with you and the dilemma you relayed in your book. On their site they feature an article by Carole Banks entitled My Child’s Behavior is So Bad, Where Do I Begin – How to Coach Your Child Forward. In this piece, Banks begins with a mock testimonial and then proceeds by enunciating her experience with such cases. Banks writes:
My child misbehaves so much that I don’t even know where to start!” This is one of the most common things we hear on the Parental Support Line, and it’s an understandable problem. Many parents tell me that they feel overwhelmed, frustrated and anxious when dealing with their child or teen’s acting out behaviour; they wonder how they’ll be able to tackle so many issues at once.
I’ll stop Carole there for a moment and conclude from what you have written that you can probably relate to what she has said here. I imagine that, despite your omnipotence and omniscience, you felt as if you didn’t know where to start – that you felt overwhelmed, frustrated, and judging from both the tone and content of your account, you felt anxious and as if you didn’t know how to tackle so many issues at the one time. Would that be a fair assessment? I’ll just go ahead and take your silence as agreement. According to Banks, thinking about the problem in this way is only going to make you feel defeated before you begin  and this, I might reasonably intimate, was a considerable factor which caused you to arrive at the dramatic course of action you took in dealing with these behavioural problems.
Banks offers eight parenting tips for dealing with bad behaviour:
- Try to have reasonable goals
- Coaching your child forward: Knowing what his (their) strengths are
- Keep in mind that your child is working on a goal
- Pick one behaviour to work on at a time
- Start with physical behaviour
- Can’t decide which behaviour to tackle first? Get some help
- If your child doesn’t seem to be making enough progress…
- Don’t take it personally 
I will refrain from burdening your eternal timepiece with all of the details of each tip, but I have included a reference so that you can peruse them when you have a moment in between all of the wars, starving children, corruption, disease, natural disasters and the backlog of prayers you must have from Grammy Award nominees and sports stars. I feel I owe you the courtesy of being completely honest with you, so I will just come out and say it. I am a little concerned that your parental failures in this regard appear to be more than just the mere lacking of adequate tools for dealing with bad behaviour. After reading your book I noticed approximately 100 occasions in which you directly murdered your children for one reason or another. Some, if not many of these reasons, appear to have been rather trivial, like killing your children for making mistakes in how they should worship you. After taking into account the proceeding statements I am going to make regarding the more serious nature of your apparent psychological problems, you may wish to address these issues to prevent them impeding upon your parental responsibilities in the future.
Filicide, as I am sure you are aware, refers to the killing of one’s own children. The word filicide stems from the conjugation of three Latin words, fillus (son), fillia (daughter) and cide (to murder/cause death). The reason I raise this issue is because there have been a number of studies conducted by experts in the fields of psychology, psychiatry, and other related disciplines that shed a much needed light on this crime. I hope these studies will be of use to you and should I say something that offends you, please know that I am only doing so because I care about you and your children, and I sincerely hope that my advice, as fallible as it may well be, is taken in kind and genuine spirit with which it is humbly offered.
Psychiatrist Dr Philip J Resnick was the first to classify various types of filicide by way of the motives of the perpetrators. These include:
- Altruism (Parent perceived suffering of child/“mercy killing”)
- Acute psychosis (Parent was crazy!*)
- Unwanted child (Self-explanatory*)
- Accident (Related to child abuse that got out of hand) and;
- Spousal revenge (Don’t worry about this one)
Let’s return to the drowning of your children and see if we can identify your motivation based on Resnick’s list. Notice I have used stars to indicate the two classes of motives I feel may best explain your filicidal behaviour. I shall quickly address the unwanted child issue first and then move on to discuss other extenuating circumstances and pieces of evidence from your book that may best reflect your motivation(s). You related that the reason you drowned your children was because you had regretted creating them, which made me think that class C (unwanted child) of Resnick’s classification system applied to you. However, as noted within this psychiatric journal article, motives may overlap and therefore certain classes may be inadequate in and of themselves to comprehensively explain the depths of the motives of child-slaughtering parents. In your case you also testified that your children were behaving badly and that such was the pretext upon which you drowned them, so I’m leaning toward B (acute psychosis) as the major motivating factor behind your decision to kill your children. Given that there are a multitude of perfectly rational and humane methods available to intelligent and compassionate parents for dealing with unruly children, and that these are the most common avenues of recourse for stable and sane parents, it may be worth examining your psychological profile by drawing upon certain warning signs you exhibit throughout your written work which may explain your filicidal tendencies. Citing the studies conducted by Hatters Friedman, Bourget, Gagné, Resnick, and other psychiatrists and academics in the fields of psychiatry and psychology, the authors of this psychiatric journal article, under the sub-heading Mental Illness in Paternal Filicide, say:
In an investigation of coroners’ files pertaining to 20 fathers who had committed filicide‐suicide, Hatters Friedman et al. found evidence of a psychiatric history of psychosis in 25 percent and of depressive illness in 50 percent of the fathers. Bourget and Gagné noted a similar rate of psychiatric illness in their examination of coroners’ files pertaining to 60 filicidal men; the presence of psychosis was established in 30 percent of the fathers, and 52 percent of the men had major depressive disorders. Others have reported comparably higher frequencies of psychotic symptoms among filicidal fathers. In his review, Resnick classified 44 percent of the 43 filicidal men as psychotic and 33 percent as depressed with psychotic features. Campion et al. noted that 11 of the 12 filicidal men in their sample had psychiatric disorders, with seven (64%) of the men suffering either acute or chronic psychosis at the time of the offense. Marleau et al found that 7 of 10 homicidal fathers had, at the time of the offense, an Axis I disorder according to DSM‐III‐R criteria, including four with mood disorder, one with dysthymic disorder, one with schizophrenia, and one with psychosis. Four (57%) of the offenders were actively psychotic at the time of the offense.
Now, I sincerely appreciate that you may feel as if I am judging you, but rest assured, I am not. I am here to help, and to that end it would be helpful, I think, to see whether or not you might be either psychotic or suffering from some other form of mental disorder. So, let’s compare some of the information you have given us in your book to the professional opinions of academics in the relevant fields.
Psychosis is a symptom of a mental illness typically associated with a loss of touch with reality. Firstly, I will offer you some mitigation. Considering that you exist outside of reality, it is perfectly understandable why you might not be in touch with it. Notwithstanding this mitigation, I should continue on and assess your psyche to see if you might be psychotic. In Nelson and Good M.D’s Psychiatry Made Ridiculously Simple, they relay a common mnemonic acronym for diagnosing a person in the throes of a psychotic episode. It is JOIMAT, which stands for Judgement, Orientation, Intellectual functioning, Memory/Mood, Appearance/Affect & Thought. As I cannot ask you the necessary questions to establish whether or not you are psychotic, I am once again forced to elicit the answers from your written work. I will quote from Nelson and Good’s book and then do my best to ascertain their possible application to your mental state.
J – Judgement: It is important to find out whether the patient can understand acceptable patterns of behaviour and consequences of his actions.
- If you are unhappy with your children’s behaviour, do you:
- Discipline them sternly but gently and coach them to become better behaved?
- Kick them in the teeth?
- Drown them (Genesis 6-7)?
- If a group of children are teasing a bald man, do you:
- Gently but sternly reprimand the children and make them apologize to the man?
- Punch them in the face?
- Set wild bears upon them (2 Kings 2:23-24)?
- If your children are hungry for more than tiny biscuits and they ask you for food, do you:
- Feed them?
- Laugh at them?
- Feed them and then kill them by deliberately infecting them with a deadly disease (Numbers 11:31-35)?
I think it is fair to say we have satisfied this limb of Nelson and Good’s test.
O – Orientation: This refers to whether the patient knows who he is, where he is and what time it is.
This one may be a little trickier to establish as a result of your reluctance to answer questions, but I will just highlight a few areas of your work that raise some cause for concern. In Genesis you don’t seem to know whether you are a single coherent God or a multitude of incoherent gods. At times you refer to yourself in the plural (us, we), and what’s even more disturbing, you seem to be addressing your other selves, as in the following example:
Let us make man in our image, after our likeness…(Genesis 1:26)
I understand that a number of your more enthusiastic children have sought to claim, without any verification from yourself, that you were speaking in the pluralis majestatis, and that you were actually talking to yourself, an issue that does present some reason to worry about your state of mind. However, a number of your more scholarly children have established that there were in fact many of you in the early stages of your chosen children’s religion. Either way, this verse, coupled with a number of others, does seem to indicate that you don’t really know how many personalities you actually have, and if you have more than one, and I mean this in the most respectful manner, you are probably psychotic, if not suffering from a personality disorder. Another red flag presents itself in the way you describe yourself in the New Testament portion of your book. You claim to be three in one – a father, a son, and a ghost, if I am not mistaken. The split personality issue raises yet another concern, and this related issue regards your ability to tell time. Acting in the persona of your only begotten son, a complex conflation if I am to be perfectly honest, you told your children that following your death, resurrection and ascension into outer-space, you would be right back. Here I quote:
I assure you that you will not finish your work in all the towns of Israel before the son of Man comes” Matthew 10:23
Verily I say unto you, this generation shall not pass, till all these things (End of the World and your second coming) be fulfilled.
I understand that being an eternal creature our finite sense of time must be almost totally foreign to you, although you did create it so you should have at least a cursory comprehension of it works, but from these verses and the fact that, well, it’s been over 2000 years since you ascended into the cosmos, you do not seem to be too aware of time and for this reason I think we can check this box in Nelson and Good’s test.
I – Intellectual Functioning: This refers essentially to the patient’s cognitive status. How well can he carry out calculations and other thought processes that would be commensurate with his education?
Considering that you are all-knowing, I must ascribe to you the highest level of education, for to do otherwise would be logically absurd, not to mention grossly blasphemous. So, how well can you, an all-knowing father, carry out calculations based on your supremely intelligent capabilities? Let me approach this with a number of easy questions to determine your cognitive status:
- If you are the all-powerful, all-loving and all-knowing creator of everything and you desire a cosmos without evil, do you:
- Create a cosmos without evil?
- Create a cosmos with evil?
Here you chose B: Create a cosmos with evil.
- If you create a male human being, which of the following species of female do you first think to create to be his reproductive partner?
- A human female?
- A female animal (Genesis 2:18)?
Here again you chose B: Create animals to mate with humans.
- If you have two newborn children who do not know the difference between right and wrong, do you:
- Forbid them from learning the difference between right and wrong and leave them to their own devices in a snake-infested garden?
- Look after them and teach them the difference between right and wrong?
Here you chose A: Forbid them from learning the difference between right and wrong and leave them to their own devices in a snake-infested garden.
I think we have sufficient information to conclude that your intellectual functioning is somewhat sub-par, particularly for someone with an omniscient mind.
M – Memory/Mood: This tests whether the patient can recall both distant and recent events.
I am going to check this box for a number of reasons. Firstly, in the first part of your book you forget not only the order in which you created the universe, the earth, and all of the species on our planet, but also, you couldn’t remember the substance from which you created them. In the first chapter you recall creating everything from water, whilst in the second chapter you change your mind and recall creating everything from some dry substance. Further, with regards to your recollection of the order in which you created everything: In the first chapter you remember creating man and woman simultaneously, before which you thought that you had created the birds and beasts, whilst in the second chapter you assert that you made man first, then the birds and the beasts, and then the woman. In that same portion of your book you tell Noah to take two of every animal onto his boat, then you appear to have forgotten that you made this request and after he had finished circumnavigating the entire globe, which was no small feat for a man of his advanced age, you told him that you wanted seven of the clean animals and two of the others, thereby inconveniencing poor old Noah. Although there are numerous other instances I could draw your attention to, I’ll offer you just one more example. In the New Testament, you, acting in the persona of your son, were enjoying a meal with your disciples, two of whom badger you about where you will be going after you die. Immediately following their unrelenting inquiries, you get mad at them for not asking you where you will be going after you die. This, in addition to the previous examples I drew your attention to, indicates that you have trouble remembering events that occurred in both the near and distant past, and subsequently, this limb of Nelson and Good’s test can be said to be thoroughly satisfied.
A – Appearance/Affect: The patient’s appearance (e.g., dishevelled, sad faces, motor activity) can be helpful in the evaluation.
By all appearances you appear to be invisible, although I am aware that on one occasion you presented your backside to Moses, which may not have been entirely appropriate. Nevertheless, let’s just move onto the next and final criterion in Nelson and Good’s acronym.
T – Thought: The process of the patient’s thinking is important. Do his thoughts relate to each other logically, or do they seem random, having no bearing or relation to each other?
I would now like to present you with a short list of questions that I have taken the liberty to answer on your behalf. These answers demonstrate anomalous, conflicting, and illogical thought patterns you present in your work. Some of these examples will be raised in a later tip I will give you on ‘rule consistency’, so please forgive the repetition.
- Should your children eat pork?
- Leviticus 11:7 – No
- Mark 7:18-19 – Yes
- Must your children rest on the Sabbath?
- Exodus 16:23-30, 20:8-11, 31:14 (These particular verses say you will kill anyone child who doesn’t rest on the Sabbath, which goes against the advice I am offering you in this tip) Leviticus 17:31 (This verse says that it is a rule to be kept “forever”).
- Matthew 12:1-12, Mark 2:27 – No.
- Must your children be circumcised?
- Genesis 17:10-14 – Yes.
- Romans 4:10 – No.
- Must your children obey your laws laid out in your Old Testament?
- Matthew 5:17-19 – Yes.
- Romans 3:20/28 – No.
- Do you endorse wisdom?
- Proverbs 4:7 – Yes.
- l Corinthians l:l9 – No.
- Will you protect the righteous?
- Proverbs 12:21 – Yes.
- Hebrews ll:36-39 – No.
- Are you a god of peace?
- John 14:27 – Yes.
- Exodus 15:3 – No.
- Will you preserve the earth?
- Ecclesiastes l:4 – Yes.
- 2 Peter 3:l0 – No.
- Should your children kill each other?
- Exodus 20:13 – No.
- Exodus 32:27 – Yes.
I think it goes without saying that you’ve satisfied this limb of Nelson and Good’s test. Although psychosis is episodic in nature, you are an eternal creature and judging from the lengthy timespan over which your book was written, it appears that your psychotic episodes last a very long time. Your prolonged psychosis explains why you attempted to kill Moses for no apparent reason, right after commissioning him to demonstrate your prowess amongst the Egyptians  – whose children you killed and whose army you drowned. It further explains why you turned Lot’s wife into seasoning for simply looking over her shoulder – and it also explains why you buried alive a number of your chosen, including men, women and infants, and then incinerated those who feared being swallowed up with these buried children of yours – not to mention the ensuing plague you sent that killed 14,700 more of your children.
Before administering this psychiatric evaluation, I was flummoxed over your insane parenting style, particularly given your self-professed all-loving and all-knowing character, but my eyes have seen the light and now I understand that you kill your children for irrational reasons because you are psychotic, and again, I mean absolutely no disrespect. It may be the result of an eternity spent in isolation, which would explain not only your psychotic break but also the instances in which you address yourself in the third person and make commandments by and for yourself. It also explains why, as the son of yourself, you cried out to yourself, begging not to be forsaken by yourself. Notwithstanding your psychological condition, if it is at all possible, please try not to kill your children.
Aside from the obvious reasons not to kill your children, there is one more subtle reason – a reason I feel you may not have contemplated. You see, dad, displaying a penchant for murdering your children for trivial reasons makes you appear angry and vengeful, and as studies now conclusively show, those who believe in such an angry extra-terrestrial father are generally prone to poor mental health. A team of psychologists led by Nava Silton of Marymount Manhattan College analysed a Gallup survey conducted in 2010, and they discovered a strong correlation between five psychiatric symptoms (general anxiety, social anxiety, paranoia, obsession, and compulsion) and belief in an angry and vengeful god. The findings rest upon, and are supported by, the now popular ‘Evolutionary Threat Assessment System Theory’, which holds that mental well-being is negatively affected by the perceived danger inherent in the environment of the person. Commenting on their findings, Silton said:
Belief in a punitive God… facilitates threat assessments that the world is dangerous and even that God poses a threat of harm, thereby increasing psychiatric symptomology.
So you see, it is not merely the act of filicide itself that is harmful, but the fear that you are inspiring in the minds of some of your more credulous children. I think I have nagged you enough about this issue, so I’ll move on to my next piece of parenting advice.
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- Genesis 6:6-7.
- Genesis 7:7.
- Carole Banks, MSW, My Child’s Behavior is So Bad, ‘Empowering Parents’, cited at: http://m.empoweringparents.com/MY-Childs-Behavior-Is-So-Bad.php.
- Leviticus 10:1-3.
- J Resnick, Child Murder by Parents: A Psychiatric Review of Filicide, ‘American Journal of Psychiatry’, 126:325-34, 1969; cited in: Dominique Bourget, MD, Jennifer Grace, MA and Laurie Whitchurst, PhD, A Review of Maternal and Parental Filicide, ‘Journal of the American Academy of Psychiatry and the Law’, March 2007, Vol. 35.1, 74-82 ‘J. Am Acad Psychiatry Law’, 35:1:74-82.
- Daryl Fujii & Iqbal Ahmed. The Spectrum of Psychotic Disorders – Neurobiology, Etiology, and Pathogenesis, Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2003, p. 1.
- William V. Good. M.D., Jefferson E. Nelson M.D & Don P. Bridge. D.D.S. Psychiatry Made Ridiculously Simple, Miami: MedMaster Inc, 1984, p. 9.
- Norman Geisler & Thomas Howe. When Critics Ask: A Popular Handbook on Bible Difficulties. Baker Books. (1992). p. 3.
- A. H. Sayce, The “Higher Criticism” and the Verdict of the Monuments, London: E. & J.E Young and Co., 1894, p. 84; Bart D. Ehrman. From Jesus to Constantine: A History of Early Christianity, Lecture 2: ‘Religious World of Early Christianity’, The Teaching Company, 2004; Anthony Bananno, Archaeology and Fertility Cult in the Ancient Mediterranean, The University of Malta Press, 1986, p. 238; John R. Bartlet. Archaeology and Biblical Interpretation, London: Routledge, 1997, p. 61.
- NOTE: Possible multiple personality disorder (Genesis 1:1, 1:29, 1:31, 1:27, 1:26, 3:22, 20:13, 35:7, Deuteronomy 32:16-17, 7:23, 1 Samuel 28:13, 2 Samuel 7:23, Psalms 58:12, 82:1).
- Matthew 28:19.
- William V. Good. M.D., Jefferson E. Nelson M.D & Don P. Bridge. D.D.S. Psychiatry Made Ridiculously Simple. MedMaster Inc., 1984, p. 9.
- Ibid. p. 10.
- Genesis 1:2, 6-7.
- Genesis 2:5-6.
- Genesis 1:27.
- Genesis 2:1-23.
- Genesis 6:19-22.
- Genesis 7:1-5.
- John 13:35, 14:6 & 16:5.
- William V. Good. M.D., Jefferson E. Nelson M.D & Don P. Bridge. D.D.S. Psychiatry Made Ridiculously Simple. MedMaster Inc., 1984, p. 10.
- Exodus 33:23.
- William V. Good. M.D., Jefferson E. Nelson M.D & Don P. Bridge. D.D.S. Psychiatry Made Ridiculously Simple. MedMaster Inc., 1984, p. 10.
- Exodus 4:18-26.
- Exodus 12:29/15:4.
- Numbers 16:27-49.
- Matthew 27:46.
- R. Silton, K.J. Flannelly, K. Galek, C.G. Ellison, Beliefs About God and Mental Health Among American Adults, ‘J Relig Health’, 2013, Apr 10.