Once upon a time God created a beautiful Garden and graced with every type of plant, fruit and animal (Genesis 2:8). There were all kinds of trees and plants that were pleasant to the sight (Genesis 2:9), from tropical plants to temperate flowers, all side by side. The tropical plants were maintained by a complex system of hydroponic lighting and heating, whilst the temperate flora and fauna were cooled with outside air conditioners. There were dinosaurs and birds living in harmony and most importantly, there was man, and by man, I mean a male human being, created from dirt, a dirt-man, if you like (Genesis 2:7). Let us ignore the chapter before this one, in which we were previously told that men and women were created and blessed simultaneously (Genesis 1:27), for such nit-picking is only going to sully the narrative.
At first, the all-knowing and wise God thought the animals might make good companions for the man (Genesis 2:18), but soon discovered that this arrangement wasn’t working too well, so he decided to dose the man with divine drugs and put him into a deep sleep (Genesis 2:21). Whilst the man was sleeping, the God came down and removed one of his ribs (Genesis 2:21), filled a bathtub with ice and placed the unconscious man therein. When the man awoke, unaware of his missing rib, he gazed upon one of the most curious creatures he had ever seen and he called her “woman-where’s my dinner!?” (Genesis 2:23). This ‘woman-where’s my dinner,’ was created by God to act as his slave (Genesis 2:20) and to help him populate the garden with human beings, for whom she would have to cook, clean, have sex with and then, after all that, be told to shut up while they all watched TV or whatever the equivalent was back then. We are unsure of the entirety of their exploits in the garden but what we do know from the first chapter is that the gods created them in their own image (Genesis 1:26), stupid and without knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 2 – 3).
Notwithstanding their incompetent nature, these new-born children were left virtually unsupervised. God, becoming bored with the banality of watching these two fools frolic around day in and day out, decided to plant a tree in the middle of the Garden, a tree that was endowed with magical fruit which bestowed upon the taster, the knowledge of good and evil (Genesis 3:6-7). Possessing an unwavering zeal for ignorance, God warned the two humans not to eat this fruit (Genesis 2:17). Naturally, this warning was completely lost on these two ignoramuses as they weren’t the products of intelligent design or at least, were not designed to be intelligent and so, with the help of a walking and talking snake, the most cunning beast of the field (Genesis 3:1), a creature that the gods thought it wise to bestow such intelligence upon, they fell prey to the ignorance of temptation and ate the fruit (Genesis 3:6).
These two infantile humans had no idea that disobedience was a bad thing, because they hadn’t eaten the forbidden fruit yet, so punishing them seems hardly fair. Given the negligence of the moronic God who placed these two idiots in a garden inhabited by the most cunning beast of the field, we might excuse their misdeed, but he did not and subsequently cursed every human descendent, even you and I. So there you have it, the Fall of Man, in a nutshell.